Locale: Sitting across the desk from Zach
Profile: Le Sigh
OMG I WANT WHITE CASTLE SO BAD NOW
I also want the $12 that I paid for the ticket back.
A xopl post? Has xopl been replaced by an alien robot?
You didn't know that gasoline and soap flakes makes napalm? Maybe the maps were hand drawn and said "bomb here." I believe that gas and styrofoam also makes a gooey mess (like napalm).
I think that a million stickers showing Minnesota in blue (a blue state) would be pretty effective.
Red paint filled dolls for the win.
"I, for one, would like to see more of the larger stretching posted."
You and I both, sir. You and I both.
Way ahead of you!
2007/08/07 11:49:04 AM jessepmullan: I'm gonna go take a Klobuchar
2007/08/07 11:49:09 AM zach: nice
Excellent! Shoulda made a new post, though.
I was going to comment, but Zach just disturbed me.
Cheese is murder.
Godzilla has giant shape shifting testicles.
I want Wednesday Addams, too. Wednesday Addams Two E.
Wednesday Addams ][e.
I am not allowed to buy any more Adam Turman posters.
I don't know -- this seems an awful lot like a "blog post" to me.
It's Zatch, right?
Comments... posts... wtf is going on? The next thing you know, xopl will be posting regular pictures of crafts.
You got me!!!!!!!!!
Thank you for bringing me back booze.
Well, still glad to have you back.
I thought that they were special because I haven't had pizza flavored pringles.
I imagine that these were the result of some tragic accident at the pringles factory. Many italians were lost.
I want Elllllliot Smith suicide icon now, thank uoul.
So drunk employheee so drunk ruinh life kill me now die die die Jesse.
popst more shit now, please, for the love of god, post.. Post.; I nbeg you. post
I think that mine would be filled with charcoal pellets -- for obvious reasons.
I can still count to blue.
I am going to London, and I'm not coming back until I am mildly retarded from alcohol induced brain damage.
Also, your user icons are still old styley. Greyscale time?
I had lasagna last night.
I will "life," too.
jiantHam's the beer refreshing...
Balloons can't love.
Always with you and the DVDs!
I cannot stop watching this.
The push would ripple through the bar at the speed of sound, not light, so it's no more complicated than lightning/thunder.
Well, uh, now you have a spare?
Significantly rewritten! The original had little or no wind!
Who wrote that snow? I forget.
Wow, that's like, wow.
"less than one in a thousand women have a huge 'justo major pelvis' (giant pelvis) whose boney opening would allow this, and because extreme vaginal stretching would required, it would have to be an extremely rare sexual activity"
Amen, brother! Wait, what was that article even about?
Ii wanna wii too so Ii can bii like all of yoo.
Christy, I just want hot wii action, that doesn't make me a goddamn whore.
Blowing men in the park for money does, though. Those goddamn men should buy me stuff. Zach.
I want to hang out with someone who has a wii!
Hmm. HP Lovecraft makes me feel all cozy and sleepy.
I would say that I would try "harder," but, uh, I don't think that joke would be appropriate, and I would probably get fired again.
That's not much of a present.
Glorious! Zach, I expect my present from you soon.
Wait, does that mean that I have to buy presents for people with whom I have sex? Isn't the sex enough?
Argh. That show was even on my list.
Dear Zach: make more posts like this.
This year even Noah got a sticker.
I know I like Hansen.
Handsahn? However you spell it, Mmmm BOP!
The tree is just like porn!
Said the night wind to the little lamb
Do you see what I see?
Over in the park, little lamb
Do you see what I see?
A tree, a tree
Standing in the grass
With a snatch as big as a house
With a snatch as big as a house
Jesus Xopl update your fucking site already!
I'll give you a love pumpkin!
I ain't sayin' she's a gold digger
You're MY boo...
I'll give you a tootsie pop.
You can't give me a fired, I gave myself a quit.
I'll give you a tootsie pop. Wait. No.
If you disappear, does that mean that clowns ate you?
Just what I need, help with my waistline.
Oh. Now I know why it seems like I have been tripping balls all day. Wow.
My drunk dials have been fairly disappointing tonight. I blame Zach.
You're only feeding the drunk dial material.
People who want drunk dials should send their phone numbers to me. I will deliver.
What a genius night.
I did not get friended on the facebook.
That's gonna be my first tattoo.
xopl is right. I think that I wanted that sound exactly two weeks ago.
Jesus Christ post some shit already!
I'm going back to sleep.
Those are the MOST AMAZING EMAIL ADDRESSES EVER.
xopl dot xopl dot xopl dot COM
I MISS HAVING MY OWN SITE
This blows, I'm going to the Kappa party.
Normally I would say something funny or crass, but I have nothing right now.
Real. I am dead.
No, not really, but shit.
I would marry Sarah Sandusky. Do I need to move to dirty hippy town for that to happen?
Hmm. How do you tell how many times a person has Arrrrsvpdedededdded? If I correct my own number, will it override it or add it into the total?
Zach actually IS pretty clever.
I am the Venture Brothers lover. Me.
SHIT! I ALMOST FORGOT TO WATCH THE TROLL!
I thought that anal probing was my job.
Deep breaths, bwana. Deep breaths.
Maybe they will.
Maybe they will.
Was it for you? It must have gone to the wrong address, where the recipient marked it and gave it back to the mailman, who then redelivered it to you.
So you bought a stunt bike? WTF is wrong with you?
Do they have lights at Psycho Suzies? All my memories of that place are very dark.
I think that "Nastee" actually refers to ME.
pamela: Seriously, lady, if you keep talking about it, I'm not going to keep stalking you.
You cure depression with demanding girlfriends!
Naked and making a man train.
Ride the train in the sky.
I'll be that bomb sniffing dog.
I know how to make a binary explosive: take two specific powerful acids and mix them with glycerin. Here's the fun part: if you are a terrorist, you don't need a detonator at all, because that shit will just plain explode right there. I doubt that you could keep strong acids in a Nalgene, so you'd need something like a glass container for them. I hope it doesn't break when you throw it in the trash.
We all know that he is just working that security job to support his meth habit, not a family.
Suspicious people? Like apologists for incompetents?
Show your brother a good time? Dirty.
No kidding. WHEW.
Dude. I TOLD you. I TOLD you.
Wasn't there another goddamn post here right before I left work?
I mean, what the fuck!
Space Butt Pirates? Gaylians!
Mutant Zombie Space Butt Pirates vs. Robot Ninjas
They should be mutants.
Space + Alien != Mexico + Alien
Mutant Zombie Space Alien Pirates vs. Robot Ninjas
The 16th! Fine!
Thank you, Pam!
Jesus, Pam, what the fuck? Do I give you grief about your livejournal? NO.
Would a picture of my ass cheer you up?
I just make funny shit.
"Sometimes I sit on my hand until it falls asleep, then I masturbate with it. I call that the stranger."
"Really? I thought that the stranger was when you cut the hand off of a hobo, preserved it in formaldehyde, and then occasionally got it out, made a fist with it, and --"
"I don't want to know how you are going to finish that sentence."
"AAUUUUUGH! DAMN YOU!"
Pam: Are you at least coming to the zombie pub crawl?
It's wrong of him to make you come to the wedding.
Tell him that you aren't buying him any presents.
WAIT. I HAVE IT. They move the wedding back exactly one day. You host his bachelor party here, in Minneapolis. AT THE ZOMBIE PUB CRAWL. We can go to the strip club. He can make out with zombie pub ladies. It's perfect.
Lupus isn't a real disease. Oh, wait, I'm thinking of fibromyalgia. Or that thing where bugs crawl under your skin and you get sores that grow little furry lint balls.
When is it not tight to start with?
Just because you didn't get any sick sex doesn't mean that you should break up with her. That's just mean.
Yes. I told her about the deal that you and I worked out, and she was cool with it.
I wouldn't say that we did a lot of sleeping.
You might have just had what I had. I don't see mention of hallucinations, but...
WAIT A MINUTE! THE NINJA IS YOUR GIRLFRIEND! HOLY SHIT!
Quizzes has two zs, Zzach.
What kind of balls do you have?
Your balls are BLUE. This means that you should stop huffing varnish at work.
I'm just blonde "under the covers"
I was promised a redesign. Where the fuck is your magical fucking redesign, Capote?
How can it be? You just put your hand over her mouth so she can't scream and drag her into the van. Wait -- what are you talking about?
FINE. YOU ARE FUCKING HILARIOUS.
for some reason when I read the headline I was thinking that it was a euphemism for public hair.
"I parted the bearded curtain and spent half an hour in the former Soviet Union, if you know what I mean."
"In communist former Soviet Union, bearded curtain spends an hour inside you!"
hhhahahahha I LIKE IT
Give me her myspace, give it to me.
I added Pam as a contact on Aim yesterday and today she is not there. I blame Zach.
This is why Jacquie denies having any feelings.
I loved the Squid and the Whale. I don't know if it was like real life, but it felt like home.
You fucked a plastic guitar during the bachelor's party?
Oh. Oh, wait, no, that's not it at all.
Pam, if you don't have one of your own, just find someone else's to play with. I'm sure that they would appreciate it.
Actually, you can already monitor girls' bathrooms on the internet. Apparently some people already know that the next terrorist attack will be planned inside the bowl.
It just works!
Al Franken is hot!
I WANT TO READ THE SECRET LOVE BLOG!!!
Fuck. I hate c++.
More like c--!!! !!! 1 1 !! ! !! ! !!
The secret is tinfoil underpants.
You should hang out with Stan. He loves conspiracy theories.
Me too. Me too.
How do I get myself some of that hot Democratic sucky sucky?
"Trolling for flames."
I am the court advisor of the internets, whispering into Zach's ear and making him old and feeble.
Whoa there, reverse cowgirl, save some of that for everyone else!
Awwww, it IS super cute.
Can I have a copy of that Mario wallpaper?
He gets a "frequent novelty charter" discount, I think. You get the card punched every time you use it, and then after sixty punches you get a free one.
This explains why O'Hare was so awful.
I think that we would all be way more concerned if he DIDN'T make grammatical errors.
Sweet, can I vlog too?
Actually, I want to podcast.
Shit, I really want to release a zine.1
I'm so 1992.
If I weren't already dating someone I would totally go to Blick just to pick up chicks.
It's on your livejournal. We're friends, remember?
Wait a minute, you went to Dallas?
We're gonna need a bigger impeachment.
Not safe for work
In case you want to sing along:
I! I wanna know!
What will I find!
In the land of Xopl!
Hey, is there gonna be booze?
Hey, is there gonna be pirates?
Hey, what rhymes with Xopl?
I don't know anymooooooore --
But this is Xopl!
Yeah, it's Xopl!
Why did I do this? I feel so dirty. So very dirty.
Someone has to kill them.
Pam: is that an open offer to all guys who visit this site? 'cause if things don't work out between me and the Boss Lady...
The only way that it could be more appropriate is if he had then mooned the president.
Hey, it was topical -- he was referencing the late Mrs. King's views.
Speedbump(s)? How many cats did Milkman Dan hit?
When you said "eaten by bears" I thought that you were talking about gay porn involving hairy men.
I swear the secret is on the tip of my tongue.
Farking A, I found it eventually.
I'm stuck now, to the point where I feel like slashing my wrists. Slash.
I can digg it.
I like balls.
That's it, I'm so running for office.
Balls balls balls balls balls!
Okay, I'm pretty proud of the power of my testes, but deez nuts ain't got nothing on raccoon nuts.
I'm watching right now. I can't believe the nuts aren't mine.
HOLY CRAP SDL:FKSHDFJKGHS:DHSD:HKSDF:KLSDFJ
PETER, GET ON!
Doesn't rough trade mean anal sex for money?
I *am* high. That's why Zach doesn't fire me.
Pamela: only in the sense that I am a girl and your friend in bloggingdom. I mean, boy.
Goin' down the only road I've ever known!
Like a drifter I was born to --
Hey? Anyone? No? What?
*Points to self*
I mean, not at all. I'm as pure as the driven snow, if someone stuffed an M80 into a school-lunch sized can of ravioli and then blew off their hand and lost control of their bowels while standing in the drift.
Warning: This story contains some scary elements and a touch of erotic blood sucking.
In Soviet Russia, websites hack you!
Test RELAX to 44123! Come on! Give it a try!
I love the carnitas there. It's secretly my favorite Mexican restaurant.
Interestingly, my girlfriend is the devil, so, uh, yeah.
Is that why when I tried calling you I got the Hungry Sausage Pizzeria? You're a fucking bitch!
When did you post this?
Just don't buy noodles.
Those of us who are old enough to remember fifteen below will always have that to brag about.
I had a cup of coffee this morning and started a flame war.
That's 7000 words, btw.
I drink breakfast and drive flaming men?
I cup nuts and drive firemen to war?
Pull my finger, cowboy, first thing in the morning
start my fire with a lot of men!
My favorite part was -- oh, I wasn't invited.
Where is Xopl, where is Xopl, ding ding dong, ding ding dong.
Pamela: I'm a HOT girl!
Shit yeah, I'm Mae West, too!
I resolve to stop being a girl!
*I* want a National Geographic subscription!
OH MY GOD! A NEW POST!
Occasionally I make the snow say obscene things. I like making snow.
I could make the snow query a server to find out what it should say.
Just keep clicking...
I have two finals on a National Holiday?
Zach, some day when you and a woman love eachother very much, or you at least have five dollars...
Oh snap! HE BURNED YOU, Z DOGGE!
But the worst thing I ever done, I mixed up fake puke at home...
...and I went to this movie theater, hid the puke in my jacket...
...climbed up to the balcony...
...and then I made a noise like this...
And then I dumped it over the side...
...on all the people in the audience. Then...
Then this was horrible.
All the people started getting sick and throwing up on each other.
I never felt so bad in my entire life.
How about no seconds, since it's me and I have a list of comments ready in my brain in advance to make you laugh until beer shoots out of your nose, and then you're all "oh my god, I had beer left in my nose all this time? Why wasn't I drinking that! Now that nose beer is WASTED! WASTED! and I'm not!"
So much for me getting a ton of work done while you are in meetings.
Sloth love chunk!
You have to sing the DOT COM! part.
60 seconds? WHAT THE FUCK? HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET ALL MY COMMENTING DONE BEFORE WORK?
I don't know if Zach is serious (that would be a rare occasion indeed), but I am.
I'll show you 500 words!
You didn't spend the entire weekend at the mall -- witness the spreading of watermelon sauce.
I can't believe that Paul said that I was drunk.
Can I go, too? Oh. I have class and I still have to watch the first three movies. Well, the second and third movies, but it has been so long that -- FINE. I GET IT.
You still should have said it.
"Meanest Bitch You'll Ever Love"
I actually used to run TPS reports.
Half of the women whom I have dated in the last four years read my blog. They actually make up the builk of my readership.
LEAVE ME ALONE.
Just because YOU can leave links in your comments.
I LOVE trite and self-indulgent. Who cares about deep commentary that changes the course of the world, even by tiny bits and pieces. People want to read about human frailties -- they want to read about unrequited love and tragic mistakes. I intent to make as many of those as I can, just to keep my blog interesting.
I'll leave xopl to consider whether or not a url to my real blog is appropriate. He is my boss, after all.
Hey, your lj ain't too bad.
You have a livejournal? I want tequila, not vodka, but whatever.
"I think she's docking a boat in the harbor"
This mountain is pure snow! Do you have any idea what the street value of this mountain is?
I didn't get an invi- oh. Yeah.
If you need me, I'll be drinking in the office. Alone.
So then tonight Paul sends me a link to a site with THIS JOKE ON IT:
What's funnier than a dead baby?
A dead baby in a clown costume!
IT'S THE FIRST JOKE!
gah! Oh! whew. did that get in your eyes? I'll get some wet wipes...
"Bush pulls out of Iraq, sprays all over face."
...or a dead baby clown.
I'm drunk right now. I don't actually have a midterm. HA ha.
He totally has to come to the zombie pub crawl in spring. I got my t-shirt, by the way. I never heard from Claudia again. This is where the Price is Right sad music plays.
can't stop laughing while eating
You know, the DJs don't know that we blog about them, and if they did, wouldn't they be terrified?
WHERE THE XOPL IS XOPL?
If you were here, we would have gone to Grumpys. OH SNAP, I ALREADY WENT!
It's not the same, jerkweed. Come back! DRINK!
Your first problem is that you are using Microsoft Paint. That and Photoshop are the only things that want to make upper case extensions on my windows box.
They are certainly t3h hotness. This must be why Zach gets all the babes.
Are you old enough to have had the alternate glaucoma test where they actually touched your eyeball with a red hot poker? Well, maybe it wasn't a hot iron, but my memory is of sheer terror and suffering. They touched your eye with a thing, and then there was a lot of crying.
And now I'm reading it in the morning! Hooray!
Guess whose server just needed to have a stick of RAM pulled out! Mine! Hooray!
Hooray! See! Now I'm reading this post at night so I don't have to read it during the day!
My hands never left the wheel. This is why I can't get a date.
MMMmmmmMMmMmmmm stinky panties. Wait. What?
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 Zach
Awww, if you weren't funny would I laugh at you as much as I do?
I mean, laugh at your antics.
Look, man, uh, JFC Chicken I read your blog like 30 times a day. I'm obviously coming back for something. Why do you think that I wake up in the morning? I mean, in the afternoon?
Zach isn't funny, though.
The next time you see her, just be all "we have to keep meeting like this." Then, when she looks at you with shock in her eyes, say "okay, sorry about that, but you seem to be everywhere that I want to be, so maybe we should actually intentionally be somewhere together. Would you like to grab a beer or some coffee some time?"
Then, throw up on her.
Dear Boss Whom I Really Like Working With,
I think that you know where this comment is going, but just in case, I'm going to tell you anyway, because other people might read it and wonder "just where is that comment going, anyway?"
Please post more during the late evening hours so I can have at least a momentary break from the constant, unrelenting, painful, burning crying.
Snow > Rain
I like monkeys.
Just because you are too lazy to have date-based archives...
Xopl's hits aren't increasing, but I'm getting hits like crazy from Xopl. Unfortunately, they are all to my doodlebops business, which is really just embarrassing.
OKAY, JESUS FUCKING CHRIST ASS MOTHERFUCKING WHORE ASS SHIT WITH THE FUCKEING FUCKAPSDJHAGSK V*A&^)O*&B#)YSJDH <JKSDHtlqw4htliue hgakjds ghad gadsg!
HATING ON THE DOODLEBOPS IS MY GODDDDDDASGASD[ GFAKSDH GA SDNGASDGFASDFGAKSDBADSK BJAS KJNS .K.BJ SBK .JADGBJK .SADGKJ.B D K.JND K JKN.B KK GS D
It is interesting that girls get lonely around the holidays? Even the lesbians that I seem to unintentionally favor? Perhaps having a fetish for comfortable shoes is a bad thing.
Why aren't I drunk right now?
You are the ones who are ball-lickers!
Oh yeah, 2400 baud. Twenty-four hundred.
I remember the murky time before gopher. I remember when telnetting was something you wouldn't get in trouble for. Plain text! ANSI animations!
In my day, there was no interlink.
Oh, sure, NOW you tell me that Sprint does the whole Fuck and Run business. Where were you when I was letting Sprint buy me dinner and put its hands up under my shirt? Now the third date is tomorrow, and what am I supposed to say?
Who am I kidding, I put out on the first date. Sprint hasn't called since.
Women scientists are my weakness. Actually, you can cross "scientists" out of that sentence and it will still be correct, but, uh, I have no idea where this is going.
Or he was really motivated! BTW, it's probably a bad idea to have a noose in one's backyard.
That's why my server crashes every few hours -- because it is angry with me for not paying attention to it. You know what, I'M SORRY THAT I HAVE TO SLEEP!
Are you still at work? Did you eat all of the Halloween candy that I bought?
I'm really surprised that the neighborhood did not end up on fire.
There's a screen door there?
Okay, wait. Hold on. There is a more important thing here: there was a PARTY at my house? When did that happen? Maybe I drink too much.
If there WERE a party at my house then I would blame myself for any ruination. Then I would lie down under my bed and weep...
...more than usual.
Time to suck up to be your loyal minion.
I mean SIGN UP.
For those of you who don't know, Hugh is the thing that I applaud when Zach stands up.
Encore. Encore, I say!
Every day the Decemberists grow on me a little more.
Thanks for saying that I'm awesome, Paul.
Is watermelon sauce like Melonade?
Where is the password field? I can't figure out how to log in?
Sometimes when he stands up I yell "Encore!"
I can barely sit across the desk from Zach, because he's so ridiculously huge.
Please to rss.
Oh man, how drunk was I that night? I didn't even remember falling.
Hooray! We met Lindsey and I halfway almost hit on her!
If anyone is wondering, that's Jacquie's site. She's not dead! Or undead!
Whew. Claudia sprinkled some holy water on me. It burned at first, but now I feel so much better.
I have NO IDEA what I said. I'll send a blanket apology via email.
Zach is just sitting there laughing at me. I'm gonna go bury myself, because I am mortified.
Oh yeah, that's when we were leaving and you were missing, and then Malory was all "he's hitting on some chick" and we were all "oh Zombie Christ I am not going back for him."
Sorry about that.
It's always nice to give one's boss a facial, especially if he swallows.
zombiewaitress? Is this you? In the front?
Why does everything taste like rum?