MOTHER FUCKERS STEALING MY THUNDER! Hey... For the record, I'd like to say by all means you should attend the Zombie Pub Crawl this September 9th. But these fucking Pirate Pub Crawl fuckers are not only competing with the Zombie Pub Crawl (much cooler) on the same day, but they totally are stealing my Drink Like a Pirate Day thunder. THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE! Drink Like a Pirate Day has been announced for MONTHS AND MONTHS before stupid ass Pirate Pub Crawl fuckers jump in my shit. Damnit. NEXT YEAR, goddamnit, Zombies in OCTOBER and PIRATES in September. Fuck.
(These are my own personal views and opinions, and I am in no way affiliated with the organisers of the Zombie Pub Crawl. I wasn't going out of my way to annoy the locals. More importantly, the vast majority of locals were thrilled and excited and elated to see us. The two or so people I can recall who were genuinely annoyed: they need to lighten the fuck up. It's not like it isn't almost Halloween or something.)
The zombie pub crawl was... wow, for once I lack the proper adjective.
There was a very large group of zombies in Logan park getting zombied up for the undeadening. Some of the zombies were very, very realistic. They shot a video in the park of some zombies stumbling around, and of a group of zombies eating a guy, for I guess next year's promotional material. A bunch of local kids showed up on their bikes and asked lots of questions about what we were all doing. They all wanted to have our makeup, and maybe one or two volunteered to be done-up with some fake blood.
After the zombie chant (What do we want? BRAAAAINS! When do we want it? BRAAAAAAAAAINS!), we headed off for the first stop on the tour where they had dozens of pink braaaaaaains drinks waiting for us. The crowd was absolutely huge, and the walk over was highly entertaining as zombies stopped traffic, groaned Braaaaaaains at the locals, and one of them slid face first down the road on a long board in full zombie regalia. Anyway, at the first bar I had a chance to talk to a City Pages reporter, and offer free help with the website to one of the coordinators. Jesse and Jacquie and Stan met up with me and Malory, and Malory had found some of her friends from school. She was secretly hoping she wouldn't bump into anyone she knew I think. One of them was Bernie from Weekend At Bernies, unintentionally. Oh, and Dead Nugent, too.
Then it was time for the next zombie stop. Sadly, this is about where my memory starts to get a little thin already. But the good thing is I think I remember all the highlights! The zombie hoarde stopped traffic between each pub on the crawl. At one point we surrounded an SUV and the couple inside started to feign terror, and the guy let himself be dragged out of the car to the ground. One of the coordinators had a suitcase with a gallon of fake blood and some makeup in it, which I saw when he popped it open with the intent of undeadening the guy. Sadly, the guy got back into his car before that happened, but he got a full round of applause from the zombie hoarde anyway. Everybody thought that was very cool that he played along.
At what was probably the next bar stop, there was an entire wedding party and a bunch of college footballers. I'm sure we ruined the bride's night when a legion of the undead showed up at her bar. That was seriously funny. I think it was at this bar, but frankly it could have been Kentucky for all I know, that somebody played Meatloaf and we all shouted the words changed to "AND I WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR BRAINS!"
We stopped into a couple narrow holes in the walls and our group got to be a zombie diaspora. At one point I missed out on duece duece where there were naked ladies I guess. Jesse got the crowd going with the "Braaaaains" and the "weeeeeeeee!" at most of the tiny places. There were middled-aged alcoholics at more than one of them that didn't seem amused at all. The best was the kid who was obviously fucked off his gourd from the football game that was genuinely pissed and said to his friends, "This is killing my buzz."
The zombie diaspora got to be a serious problem where I couldn't even find my own personal hoarde. Ohhhh man, god bless that one place that had the free popcorn. Uhh, I mean... anyway... It was okay because we all found eachother again at Psycho Suzy's.
Speaking of which, at first I stopped at the second to last bar on our zombie pub crawl tour thinking my group would be there. However, the few zombies that were there said it sucked and everybody had just leapfrogged to Psycho Suzy's instead. I was like, "How do I get there?" And the zombies were all "It's across the street." I turned around and there it was: a giant rotating sign that said Psycho Suzy's. This sign must have been 1,000 feet tall and rotating at 10,000 RPM. I think there was some mysterious fog about it as well.... I was pretty drunk before I even got to Suzy's.
I found everybody sitting out amongst the palms and heaters. I apparently drank two of the pirate tiki's or One Eyed Willy's as they actually are known. They definitely had jaeger in them, and that definitely is not okay. People wanted food, and Jesse wanted it deep fried (which I thought was an EXCELLENT idea), so I told our super cute waitress (you zombie here often?) our order. I never saw the cheese curds except for one I recall being shoved into my mouth by someone. The little cocktail weiner things were kind of weird. I tried to pay with my $20, but Jacquie pocketed it and everybody was too drunk to make sense of my shouting on the subject. Frankly, I am surprised none of us were un-undead, or re-dead, or whatever by this point.
Oh god! THE DRIP! I need those photos!
Somehow we dragged our rotting flesh-shells back to Logan Park, but not before we scaled an eight foot fence. "Just throw your leg over, Stan." Jesse went over, and then back over again to help Stan. Then they realised that just 50 yards down there wasn't a fence anymore. heh.
I only heard Thriller once. There was a good zombie Michael Jackson in the crowd, though.
More as it comes back to me....
OH, I should mention that Malory's whole family was awake when she got home. She was still covered in blood.
not Malory (guest)
Braaaaains!! I need to see those photos too, I have a vague recollection of licking my cell phone for the camera at some point, I think around the same time the hot dog vendor gave me a hot dog bun and a plastic ring for free. Good times.
Why does everything taste like rum?
HOT DOG VENDOR!
THE KETCHUP!!!! OMFGLOLX0RSADJFKADSJ! I was pretending to put ketchup on myself for more fake blood and Jesse gave it a huge squeeze and covered me in it. I got a mouth full.
Of course, like any respectable person, I swallowed.
Jesse found some more photos!
On a side note, the inner city kids wanted to know why we were ruining our clothes.
not Malory (guest)
All of the fake blood and dirt came out of my jeans!!!
WOW! I'd never had thought that was possible.
not zombiewaitress (guest)
BRAAAIIINNNNSSS!!!! I can't wait to do this again in spring!
zombiewaitress? Is this you? In the front?
It's always nice to give one's boss a facial, especially if he swallows.
That girl in white, in the center of the photo, that is a girl from the dorms from freshman year who recognised me. I thought she looked familiar. She told me her name, and I forgot it and asked her if her name was Jennifer, which is wasn't. Damnit, I can't remember it again. Fuck. I was talking to her when I got split up from the rest of you.
Oh yeah, that's when we were leaving and you were missing, and then Malory was all "he's hitting on some chick" and we were all "oh Zombie Christ I am not going back for him."
Sorry about that.
It's all good. Even I didn't know I was missing!
not TaylorfromZPC (guest)
Thanks for coming you guys. You're all awesome and I'm glad you have photos because my memory is also really, really fuzzy.
not ChuckfromZPC (guest)
yeah, you guys totally rock. Thanks for the pictures, we're going to post a bunch on the website soon.
Jesse found some more photos.
not ClaudiafromZPC (guest)
perhaps I can clear a few things up.
That zombie waitress girl is my friend Kate. I was the zombie bridesmaid who sat at your table and sold you t-shirts. One of you bought me a beer, which was great. The one of you (jesse) cornered me and said a lot of things I don't think he wants repeated here. Unlike most of our zombie companions, I remember EVERYTHING. I'm glad you all had fun. great pictures. Thanks for coming!
KATE! Yes, that's right.
Zach is just sitting there laughing at me. I'm gonna go bury myself, because I am mortified.
I have NO IDEA what I said. I'll send a blanket apology via email.
Whew. Claudia sprinkled some holy water on me. It burned at first, but now I feel so much better.
The best photos of the drip yet... and also my ketchup facial:
If anyone is wondering, that's Jacquie's site. She's not dead! Or undead!
Hey! We were in the Daily! (Well, I was anyway...)
Hmm. The link got cut off. Try this one:
Which one is you?
P.S. Anybody know what zombiewaitress meant by "again in spring?"
Incidentally, "Dead Alive" is showing at the Riverview this Saturday at midnight (actually 11:55). I've not seen it, but it's a zombie movie directed by Peter Jackson (of Lord of the Rings fame)
That film is of classical stature. I have not seen it either.
Huh. Quoting from the friend to whom I casually asked if he'd seen "Dead Alive":
"I am not exaggerating when I say that DEAD-ALIVE is, in fact, *the* goriest
film *ever* made. EVER. By the time the movie was over I was curled up
into a ball on the couch, pleading pathetically, "hellllpmeeee..." :)
But the film is also infused with Jackson's notoriously twisted sense of
humor (regarding that I'll just say: "baby zombie"). I reccomend it --
but it is definitely not for the faint of heart."
So, ahh, I might go see this. If anyone else wants to go perhaps we could all use the rest of the make-up we bought?
It is a midnight movie, afterall...
It's showing both Friday the 21st and Saturday the 22nd at midnight. (One place on their website says 11:55 PM, the other says midnight.)
I might be interested... You should suggest the idea in this thread, too:
Oh, and I heard that Cannibal Holocaust was supposed to be the goriest movie ever. I saw that at the Uptown. It would be an interesting comparison.
Lindsey's at the City Pages chimes in:
Hooray! We met Lindsey and I halfway almost hit on her!
Do you, uhhh, zombie here often?
Original source of that video:
Deep breaths, bwana. Deep breaths.
Ruin my fucking life why don't everybody.