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the idiot: volumes x & z

<< Mar 31, 2005 @ 17:56 >>

I got off work last night, and while driving home with a car full of grokeries – frozen grokeries – my mobile rings. Roommate Ian finally broke down and entered the 21st century with the purchase of a mobile of his own. It is him on the phone:

"You know that bar Mannings down by where we used to live?"

"No," I say, somehow thinking that would be the correct answer to end the call as soon as possible. I chose wrong.

"You know, it's like five blocks down on Como from our old house?"

"You mean the one I suggested we go to like ten times, but we never went to?" I think to myself.

"Yeah that one, I'm an idiot," imaginary Ian replied.

"Oh, yeah," I say, getting back to reality.

"You should come here. Mike found out they have $1 pints of Premium every night from 11:00 to close."

"I bought food. I have to drop it off at home."

"Whatever. You don't have to. Just leave it in the car, it's cold out."

"It's like 50. I have frozen food. I have to drop it off at home. It'll be like 1:00 by the time I'm ready, and then you guys will want to be leaving for home anyway."

Then there was even more dribble about how I'm too good for them now and so on and so forth, and I realise that Ian is obviously wasted. They finally concede that by 1:00 they'll be coming home anyway.

I'm parking my car at home when the phone rings again. It's John this time.

"We're going to stay. I'm not going to have any more because I'm driving, but Ian is. You should come."

"Look, I'll call you when I'm done putting my food away, and we'll see then if you're still going to stay."


I get my bags of food into the house and haven't even started to put them away yet (this is like two minutes later) and my phone rings again. It is Ian... again.

Me, "WHAT?!"

"You should come here and have–"

"I told you that I will call you – I WILL CALL YOU, when I am ready. You don't call me. I'll call you." Click.

So I get everything into the freezer (no easy task.... four guys, one tiny freezer) and call them up. They are indeed sticking around til closing time, and I'm not going to turn down $1 pints of beer, so I drive over there.

I park my car, and I walk into Mannings. I order a Premium from the bartender and he's like, "Tree-fitty."

"I thought it was dollar pints of premium til close?"

He just looks at me like I'm crazy, "No, no."

"Well my friends said–"

"No. Tree-fitty."

He outweighs me by at least 200 pounds, so I pay him, and proceed to find my roommates. They aren't there. Mannings and the Sportsman are across the corner from each other. I blindly walked into the first bar door and ordered a beer at the Sportsman. Idiot. I apologise to the bartender about being an idiot (but of course leave out the details of my idiocy, to spare myself complete embarrassment). I popped a quarter into Mario Bros. (not the Super variety, but the very old skool one) and attempted to plumb the crap out of some turtles and whatnot one-handed while I slammed my beer. I got to level two anyway.

Then I crossed the street, and went into the real Mannings. I got there about 12:55, and all the lights were on. They were closing at 1:00. Typical. They're even bigger idiots than me. I knew something like that would happen.

Luckily, my roommates were smart enough to order me some $1 beers before it was too late.

"Just when I think you couldn't be any dumber... you do something like this... AND TOTALLY REDEEM YOURSELF!"

Man, between this and the parking cop... I think I brained my damage.

See what I do to please you whine-o's? Humiliate myself. That's what.

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April 1, 2005 @ 12:19:26

muffin.pngxz (#1006)

you'll hear from my lawyers. i have registered copyright on idiocy x&z and your usage here is an infringement of that right.

i'll see you in court.

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